Posts by Jonathan Gonzalez
Cuerpo
I often wonder why the mirror isn’t friendlier,
why what I see feels like a betrayal.
Thoughts of failure and disappointment.
I must unlearn the lie in this portrayal.
For what I see is a mere reflection
processed to believe it’s wrong,
that years of abuse on my body
are no excuse for carrying on.
But I carry with me this baggage
for the years of abuse that hold on.
My curves cause pain to my mind
I spent years settling down with a meal.
Now society shames me unfairly
when all I intended was to heal.
For what I see shouldn’t matter
except to myself when I stare
at a young man who’s told
he shouldn’t look that way.
But why?
Why do they care?
Tick
Where will it appear?
In my mind it’s always there.
Infiltrating thoughts
and creating more.
But physically, how will it show?
A tick in the hands, shoulders, neck or face.
Which subconscious choice
will lead to today’s disgrace?
As my heart races,
my anxiety settles in.
Making its home
in a space too familiar.
I wish I could wish it gone,
to not be burdened by its grip,
wondering where it will appear,
tick
after
tick.
Punditry Puppetry
Who are they, those who tell us how to think?
And who were they before we put them on TV?
What makes them qualified to speak
on every subject, whatever they please?
And why do we listen?
Why do we make nests in their echo chambers and tunnel vision?
Why do we stay blind to other viewpoints?
Deaf to other voices?
When will we ask ourselves these questions?
When will seek answers from those who have studied the answers?
Those without agendas.
Because those who speak the loudest may only be trying to upend us.
Words Can
The words were as haggard as the speaker,
drunken and pathetic.
How long were they hidden on your tongue,
just waiting for a malicious reveal?
True words bring out true colors.
But I see you in black and white.
A transparent mask on your face
with a mouth full of lies,
each with a splinter that sticks to my skin.
I expected more of you, I did, from my own kin.
And shouldn’t we all expect more?
But to share that is to be unfair.
So expectation dissolves into enabling.
And enabling leads us here.
To the words that sting,
each one deeper, indeed.
But each word says more about you
than they do about me.
A Wall
I discovered a wall today.
It exists only in my mind.
I found it at the dead end of memory lane,
hiding in plain sight.
My long term had always been an open map,
pathways to places of the past.
But this quick jog of the memory
has my feet feeling trapped.
I’m troubled by its mere presence,
this wall camouflaged in mirror paint.
Its reflective nature hides a black hole
of which light cannot escape.
Is its purpose to tempt me or protect me?
An era’s worth of memories erased.
The good ones gone just to bury the bad.
The darkness overtook what little light I had.
I Won’t Always Remember
Let this serve as a reminder
of the things I’ll surely forget.
Not because I’d like to,
but because to live is to replace old memories with new, the minutiae fades too easily.
And it’s a shame I won’t always remember
because that’s where life is lived, in the everyday.
The 3 a.m. feedings and changings,
the overnight toddler tantrums in the hall,
the conversations in the ride to school,
in most of our nights spent just at home.
Aidy,
I won’t always remember how small you really were,
nestled in my arms, your smile is bright in the dark of night,
only in need of a change and a bottle and back to sleep.
You have a calmness I can only hope will last.
Your thick, dark hair is as soft as your cheeks,
and your eyes say so much, for all you cannot speak.
Veda,
Our rollercoaster beauty,
with your heartbreaking cries and innocence unmatched.
You’re fearless to fight and to feel
and underneath is the kindest love.
The kind that steals kisses without notice.
Impossibly and dangerously adorable.
Lucky you’re on our side,
most of the time.
Ari,
Your mind works wonders.
An intelligence matched only by imagination.
You navigate a world where the answers aren’t always simple,
yet you never stop searching.
We see our entire world in your eyes and your heart,
as pure as your intentions.
You’re as weird as you are funny,
we adore you more than words.
Almost
Come into this world,
we’ll protect you.
Cry for what you need, we’ll get it.
Open your eyes to find us in awe.
Come and join the chaos.
Run the halls, jump the beds.
Yell as loud as you’d like.
Don’t let your grumpy papa stop you.
Let your beautiful mama encourage you.
See your siblings love you.
A few days out and I’m wildly impatient.
Enjoying the last of our nuclear family days.
But baby, our family isn’t complete without you.
So come on your own time and we’ll be here, always.
Pain
The birds fly around so freely,
careless of the struggles feet below.
The stress, the decay, the pain.
And perhaps what hurts the most
is realizing how few of us are ever free.
We always owe someone something.
Mortgage, rent, loan.
Slowly, we drown.
And most of those we owe are also in the deep.
Obligation.
It’s unsustainable.
How long can we survive?
And off go the birds,
free as the skies.
My Bug
It wasn’t your choice to be born first,
but how grateful we are that you were.
This family needed your wisdom,
your laughter, your warmth.
Superhero
To call a mother a superhero
is to praise her for her strength.
To thank her for the thankless love
she puts in every day.
But to call a mother a superhero
is to ignore they’re human first.
For the daily miracles we see
mask the struggle, grind and work.