Posts by Jonathan Gonzalez
Your Ada, Forever Yours
I closed my eyes
pretending to be asleep,
hoping you’d follow suit
minus the pretending.
I turned and faced away,
praying your restless nature
would cease just long enough.
It didn’t.
You screamed
and kicked
and sat up
and tricked.
But then you cuddled close,
up against my back,
your little arm wrapped around me,
your Ada (Ah-DAH), forever yours.
I closed my eyes even tighter.
At this age, you’re chaos personified.
But I know this age won’t last,
which is why I soaked in the moment.
You moved your arm
to guide your hands
to scratch the back of my head.
My baby girl, forever seeking comfort.
I write this because I won’t always remember
how I felt in those few minutes.
I’ve just know I’ve lived most of my life without you,
yet I can’t imagine life without you.
Look at you
What do you wonder
when you wander by the window
and stare out into a world
you see in your own way?
Always opting for outside.
It’s out there you prefer
than the ever-seeming locked in
feeling of indoors.
Perhaps because we know
containment isn’t capable.
Your boundless aspirations
are too big to fit in this house.
Your potential too large to even fit outside.
That’s why it calls for you
and you answer every time.
The moment a door opens, you step through it.
The moment the blinds separate, you’re looking out.
And we’ll be here standing in the doorway,
keeping an eye from a distance
on our girl who belongs anywhere she goes.
To my little loves
To my little loves,
I wish you knew
all that you are powering through.
The world around us is something new,
and I wish I could help you understand
why suddenly there are things we can’t do.
Your mama and papa are trying their best
to put some smiles on you nevertheless,
by finding fun in even the smallest of things.
Right now, little loves,
it’s just safer when we’re together.
And the time we spend is made special
by the bond we share forever.
I know that soon enough,
we’ll be able to see those trains again
and run around museums
or even Disneyland.
But until then,
I know it’s hard to do the same thing everyday.
But trust me, my little loves,
we’re beyond thankful that we’re here with you to play.
One
I think about the last words of the vows
you read a year ago today.
“And to always hold your hand when facing any challenges
and know that they will never carry us apart.”
You said those words unknowing
of what lied just months ahead,
but it didn’t matter.
In a year of challenges,
you kept your promise,
and you didn’t just hold my hand.
You held up my head,
my mind, my heart,
my spirit, my soul.
You held me up,
you held us up,
through challenge after challenge.
But please don’t mistake my appreciation of you for surprise.
I only know you to keep your promises.
Your loyal love has always been the calm water
on which we float upon.
And nearly 9 years later,
and one year later,
I never worry we’ll drift.
Because even after the daily dance of chaotic life,
I still can’t get enough of you.
I still miss you when we’re inches apart.
I still love learning what’s inside your heart.
I still crave you and the way you show your love.
You’re still the only one I see in the room.
I knew when we got married nothing would change.
A testament to us.
I knew you’d still love me the same.
And I loved you then like I love you now,
hopelessly, incessantly, endlessly.
Perhaps it’s fitting we never had an actual honeymoon.
You make our life feel like one.
In disbelief
And so today,
as it was that day,
I hold you in disbelief.
I’m in awe of all you,
the small and the mighty.
That smile and your eyes.
Your nervous laughter,
powered cries,
I adore your vulnerable sides.
But not as much as I love the trouble in the air,
whenever you decide to do
whatever it is you want to do.
Making sure you get it done,
there’s no stopping you.
That crooked smile leaves me weak,
I spin you upside down.
Those rainbow eyes turn into smiles
I can’t help but admire.
So on this day,
as it was that day,
I hold you in disbelief.
You’re a force, my little love, a force.
And I hope you never forget.
Privilege
I don’t think I’ve ever felt
entitled to all the cards I’m dealt.
Whatever my circumstance
is more often than not left up to chance.
Yet here I am,
the victim and the beneficiary,
and somewhere in between
lies the truth of my entire being.
One who can be pushed down
before I even try to get up,
and still one who can do all too little
to grab ahold of all I want.
A state of success,
too often I’m told,
earned on merit alone,
but hearing that gets old.
Sure, I do all I can
to build on what the man has given me.
But I’d be lying if I said
I earn more because of this nation
than I do from a particular situation.
Now, that is not a self-critique.
I simply aim to speak
about how we don’t choose
the lives we’re born into.
And that hard work alone does not atone
for luck or lack there of.
Opportunities handed out
because I look or talk a certain way.
Someone else, better qualified,
may never see that light of day.
So I never take for granted all that I’ve been granted.
For, I try my best on my ladder to the sky.
But I must lift those whose step up
didn’t start quite so high.
It holds me
Your love surrounds me.
Even the parts that go in circles.
The holes where pieces are missing.
The cracked parts that can sting you.
You never judge why things are broken,
you only try to heal.
Any beauty you find in my flickering light
is a small reflection of the beauty I find in you.
Your love envelops me,
like a never ending hug.
It holds me to remind me I’m seen.
It holds me in the only way I need.
A love we hold dear,
in our hands and in their eyes.
These are the things you never see
A pretty picture of two kids glee
took one hundred tries as they kicked and screamed.
A meal made fresh loses its steam,
as she tends to everything else before she eats.
A restful moment loses its wings
as the cries let you know they’re no longer asleep.
These are the things you never see
because she handles it all so gracefully.
Not a moment to spare without a want or need.
Not a moment to stop, close your eyes and breathe.
These are the things you never see
because she handles it all so gracefully.
I just want it
Only when you lay still
can I admire you up close.
See how peaceful you are
when your eyes are shut closed.
I breathe you in for just a moment
as you breathe in my pillowcase.
Never do I feel more comfort
than when I know you’re sleeping safe.
Ari boy, we spend our days
watching you, chasing you, feeding you yogurts,
talking, laughing, arguing,
hugging, crying, learning, searching for patas.
You live life like it’s a race
and you’re always trying to win.
We’re just trying to keep up,
while rooting from the stands.
And buggy, I wouldn’t change a thing.
You’re exactly who you’re meant to be
and we adore every piece.
And I love the all the laughs
And all the tears.
And perhaps my favorite is when you emerge from sleep,
observant, talkative, detailed.
Ready to play and run some more.
It’s something that never fails.
Feel It
This is one of those times
no words can match my mind
when I think of how grateful I am of you.
To know you,
to be around you,
to feel you,
to love you.