I discovered a wall today.
It exists only in my mind.
I found it at the dead end of memory lane,
hiding in plain sight.
My long term had always been an open map,
pathways to places of the past.
But this quick jog of the memory
has my feet feeling trapped.
I’m troubled by its mere presence,
this wall camouflaged in mirror paint.
Its reflective nature hides a black hole
of which light cannot escape.
Is its purpose to tempt me or protect me?
An era’s worth of memories erased.
The good ones gone just to bury the bad.
The darkness overtook what little light I had.
Let this serve as a reminder
of the things I’ll surely forget.
Not because I’d like to,
but because to live is to replace old memories with new, the minutiae fades too easily.
And it’s a shame I won’t always remember
because that’s where life is lived, in the everyday.
The 3 a.m. feedings and changings,
the overnight toddler tantrums in the hall,
the conversations in the ride to school,
in most of our nights spent just at home.
Aidy,
I won’t always remember how small you really were,
nestled in my arms, your smile is bright in the dark of night,
only in need of a change and a bottle and back to sleep.
You have a calmness I can only hope will last.
Your thick, dark hair is as soft as your cheeks,
and your eyes say so much, for all you cannot speak.
Veda,
Our rollercoaster beauty,
with your heartbreaking cries and innocence unmatched.
You’re fearless to fight and to feel
and underneath is the kindest love.
The kind that steals kisses without notice.
Impossibly and dangerously adorable.
Lucky you’re on our side,
most of the time.
Ari,
Your mind works wonders.
An intelligence matched only by imagination.
You navigate a world where the answers aren’t always simple,
yet you never stop searching.
We see our entire world in your eyes and your heart,
as pure as your intentions.
You’re as weird as you are funny,
we adore you more than words.
Come into this world,
we’ll protect you.
Cry for what you need, we’ll get it.
Open your eyes to find us in awe.
Come and join the chaos.
Run the halls, jump the beds.
Yell as loud as you’d like.
Don’t let your grumpy papa stop you.
Let your beautiful mama encourage you.
See your siblings love you.
A few days out and I’m wildly impatient.
Enjoying the last of our nuclear family days.
But baby, our family isn’t complete without you.
So come on your own time and we’ll be here, always.
The birds fly around so freely,
careless of the struggles feet below.
The stress, the decay, the pain.
And perhaps what hurts the most
is realizing how few of us are ever free.
We always owe someone something.
Mortgage, rent, loan.
Slowly, we drown.
And most of those we owe are also in the deep.
Obligation.
It’s unsustainable.
How long can we survive?
And off go the birds,
free as the skies.
It wasn’t your choice to be born first,
but how grateful we are that you were.
This family needed your wisdom,
your laughter, your warmth.
To call a mother a superhero
is to praise her for her strength.
To thank her for the thankless love
she puts in every day.
But to call a mother a superhero
is to ignore they’re human first.
For the daily miracles we see
mask the struggle, grind and work.
I closed my eyes
pretending to be asleep,
hoping you’d follow suit
minus the pretending.
I turned and faced away,
praying your restless nature
would cease just long enough.
It didn’t.
You screamed
and kicked
and sat up
and tricked.
But then you cuddled close,
up against my back,
your little arm wrapped around me,
your Ada (Ah-DAH), forever yours.
I closed my eyes even tighter.
At this age, you’re chaos personified.
But I know this age won’t last,
which is why I soaked in the moment.
You moved your arm
to guide your hands
to scratch the back of my head.
My baby girl, forever seeking comfort.
I write this because I won’t always remember
how I felt in those few minutes.
I’ve just know I’ve lived most of my life without you,
yet I can’t imagine life without you.
What do you wonder
when you wander by the window
and stare out into a world
you see in your own way?
Always opting for outside.
It’s out there you prefer
than the ever-seeming locked in
feeling of indoors.
Perhaps because we know
containment isn’t capable.
Your boundless aspirations
are too big to fit in this house.
Your potential too large to even fit outside.
That’s why it calls for you
and you answer every time.
The moment a door opens, you step through it.
The moment the blinds separate, you’re looking out.
And we’ll be here standing in the doorway,
keeping an eye from a distance
on our girl who belongs anywhere she goes.
To my little loves,
I wish you knew
all that you are powering through.
The world around us is something new,
and I wish I could help you understand
why suddenly there are things we can’t do.
Your mama and papa are trying their best
to put some smiles on you nevertheless,
by finding fun in even the smallest of things.
Right now, little loves,
it’s just safer when we’re together.
And the time we spend is made special
by the bond we share forever.
I know that soon enough,
we’ll be able to see those trains again
and run around museums
or even Disneyland.
But until then,
I know it’s hard to do the same thing everyday.
But trust me, my little loves,
we’re beyond thankful that we’re here with you to play.
I think about the last words of the vows
you read a year ago today.
“And to always hold your hand when facing any challenges
and know that they will never carry us apart.”
You said those words unknowing
of what lied just months ahead,
but it didn’t matter.
In a year of challenges,
you kept your promise,
and you didn’t just hold my hand.
You held up my head,
my mind, my heart,
my spirit, my soul.
You held me up,
you held us up,
through challenge after challenge.
But please don’t mistake my appreciation of you for surprise.
I only know you to keep your promises.
Your loyal love has always been the calm water
on which we float upon.
And nearly 9 years later,
and one year later,
I never worry we’ll drift.
Because even after the daily dance of chaotic life,
I still can’t get enough of you.
I still miss you when we’re inches apart.
I still love learning what’s inside your heart.
I still crave you and the way you show your love.
You’re still the only one I see in the room.
I knew when we got married nothing would change.
A testament to us.
I knew you’d still love me the same.
And I loved you then like I love you now,
hopelessly, incessantly, endlessly.
Perhaps it’s fitting we never had an actual honeymoon.
You make our life feel like one.